Ever get the feeling the universe is out to get you? Really out for you, like the universe has a team dedicated to making your life hell?
Meet Bob and Stan…
Bob: Morning Stan.
Stan: Morning Bob.
B: So what kind of chaos is on the docket for our girl today?
S: You’re in luck my friend. We’re slotted for a Total Mental Breakdown!
B: No kidding? That’s awesome! When do we start?
S: I’m way ahead of you Bob. She’s fell into the toilet at 6 am (I had her husband leave the seat up). Then about 20 minutes ago she scalded the roof of her mouth with coffee.
S: She’s in the shower now. I was just about to cut the hot water. You want the honors?
B: Wow, thanks man! Hmmm, that’s odd. That maneuver usually pisses her off but her vitals didn’t even move.
S: Huh. Maybe she’s still waking up. She’s going for more coffee. Quick, fill the refrigerator with empty milk cartons.
B: Wow. She doesn’t even look irritated. What now?
S: Don’t worry. I’m going have one kid call her name repeatedly from another room while the other spills orange juice all over the floor. Add a ringing phone in the background and cue the crazy dog…
B: You are the master Stan.
S: It’s all in the wrists….Dang it! Nothing? She’s a rock today.
B: She has been hitting the gym a lot.
S: Clearly it’s affecting her. Hang on, I’ve got this….
B: Rain storm. Brilliant. It was supposed to be a beautiful day and she did her hair already…hey, wait a minute…did she just shrug?
S: Grrrr…That’s it. Make her go outside.
S: Trip the car alarm.
B: OK she’s moving. What the…where did that umbrella come from? Is she singing and dancing? She looks like she’s enjoying herself.
S: Unbelievable!! She’s wants fun? I’ll show her fun…
B: Ouch. That’s going to sting. How did you get her to trip over her own feet anyway?
S: This button, but don’t tell. We’re not supposed to use it. A gust of wind should take care of that umbrella. Now, hit that lever over there.
B: What does it do?
S: Locks her out of the house.
S: Hey, I have a job to do just like everybody else.
B: OK, her smile is gone, but I’ve got no indicators of mental instability.
S: One of the kids is letting her back in. I’m going to have him make a snide comment then laugh at her. That always works.
B: Uh oh Stan. You’re perfect day destroyer just became a memorable mother son moment. They’re laughing together. She’s in too good a mood.
S: Oh yeah? Wait till her little boy starts screaming profanities and lights a joint….
B: Whoa buddy…isn’t that taking things a bit too far?
S: I won’t be beaten.
B: Um, hey Stan buddy? When was the last time you got out of here and had a good nights sleep?
S: Sleep?? With all this work piling up? She used to be so paranoid! Now look at her! It’s disgusting.
B: Ok pal, step away from the control panel. Maybe we should call it a day. I’m sure we can convince the boys upstairs to bump her meltdown to tomorrow.
S: I don’t know…
B: Aw come on. Let’s get a beer and make it an early night. Tomorrow we’ll hit it first thing and really give it a go, poor sleep, power outage, maybe give her…
S: …an infectious disease??
B: I was going to say computer virus.
S: Are you kidding me?
B: A really bad computer virus. Lost data and everything.
S: Promise? Really bad? Like that one from last year that made her cry?
B: You bet.
S: Alright…I am kind of tired.
B: That’s the spirit. Remember, tomorrow is a new day!
S: You’re right. Thanks Bob. You really know how to cheer a guy up.
B: Anytime pal, anytime.