Category Archives: High maintenance wife

Dream life


I spent the last weekend with my family, taking things slow.


We wandered through a beautiful park in the middle of a lovely city watching birds and stopping to smell the flowers (literally). After a simple picnic the boys ran in the grass while Mowgli and I contemplated which of the buildings edging that particular park we would be most happy in.

The one with the balcony…Yes and there, see? A barbecue that’s the one for sure.

Never mind that living in the middle of a city surrounded by people (no matter how wonderful the park) is the farthest we could get from the life that we both know is really us – at the moment if felt like home.

We’re not complicated or fickle. Our desires are really quite basic. We want a simple life in a modest home. We aren’t asking for much more.

Except maybe to live next to water. Would be nice. Maybe the beach!

Yes, a beach house…

On 50 wooded acres full of wild animals. Not the dangerous kind, of course. Just deer and some beaver. And with a river running through it. A wide river teeming with fish and fed by a lake of clean and clear water that miraculously has no fish and is the perfect temperature for swimming.

Yes, a secluded cabin, that’s what we want…

It would have to be accessible though. A paved road ending in a circular driveway wide enough for his car, my car, guests and a skate park for the kids. We’ll line it with fruit trees and near by we’ll grow vegetables and herbs and have all sorts of berry bushes.

Oh yes, farming. We’d love to be farmers, that would make us happy…

The back yard, however, would be a Spanish style courtyard flanked by flowering bushes and vines. There will be terracotta pots statues of naked people and a fountain. A little path from the terrace will lead to the vineyard where we grown grapes for the award-winning wine our invisible employees make…

Of course we want live at a winery with elves…

Oh but I’ve forgotten the snow. We must live in place that gets snow. Lots of snow. Like 8 or 10 feet of it. How could we survive without a white Christmas? And skiing. Why else do you think we have all that land? For cross country skiing! This means we must have a sauna and hot tub. And a view. A view from everywhere. Mountains, ocean, green fields maybe a towering city in the far distance that we gaze at while sipping wine on a bear skin rug beside the roaring fire in our massive two sided river rock fire place… more champagne! where are those darned elves? 

What? How else is one expected to relax? We aren’t savages for crying out loud…

Who are these people and what are they doing in my garden? Someone must have left the gate open.
Who are these people and what are they doing in my garden? Someone must have left the gate open.


Mid life crisis.


Spring is approaching, Mowgli is MIA and once again I find myself with a to-do list longer than my arm.

The garage is packed with ATV’s in boxes (some assembly required). Thanks to a winter of bird feeding, the deck is disgusting. Last year’s fish clogs the freezer, nagging me to can. There is a two inch layer of mud on the car and the growing pile of laundry refuses to do itself. Still.

I want to be a high maintenance wife.

Really. Even if just for a little while.   

I want to trade my ability to cook, clean, and sew for a live in chef, maid, and tailor.

When the washing machine breaks the only thing I want to work on is the blank stare on my face.

I want it understood that I do not touch trash, dishes, and anything involving oil or grease.

In regards to the car, all I want to ‘maintain’ is my relationship with my mechanic.

I want a decorating budget for my debilitatingly long nails.

I want my casual wear to be silk.

I want a giant collection of evening gowns.

I want ample opportunity to wear them.

I want to sit on a chaise lounge eating thin mints and reading Vogue while my personal shopper texts me photos of outrageously expensive shoes.

The only problems I want to deal with are scheduling conflicts between my masseuse, my hair stylist and my esthetician.

Who am I kidding? I want an assistant.

I want to be a high maintenance wife. Anyone know how? Is there a class? A secret school? Do I need a fairy Godmother?

I realize this lifestyle will likely result in a disaster of a house where nothing is accomplished except my excessive weight gain, but you know what?

I’m willing to risk it.


"Why my dear, how ever else would a wife be?"
“Why my dear, how ever else would a wife be?”