Category Archives: marriage

4 non fairytale reasons to be married

 

Once I heard my mother telling Mowgli something my grandmother believed. She thought that the thing a woman ate most while pregnant would be the thing her child liked least throughout life.

To which Mowgli replied:

“Huh. Maybe that’s why I never liked cocaine.”

Perhaps romance is in the eye of the beholder but that afternoon I was certain once more I had chosen the right husband.

Tomorrow is Valentine’s day a feast not celebrated in our house for the simple reason that you can’t screw up a holiday you do not observe. So in honor of our commitment to un-mushy love, here are 4 completely un fairytale reasons to be married.  

 

  1. To have one person in your life who may, in a court of law, refuse to rat you out.

(Whether your spouse actually chooses to keep your secrets, however, falls under a much longer blog titled “reasons to be happily married”)

 

2. For a lifelong fall guy.

“I would go to your… (unbearable social event)… but my wife is having hangnail surgery that same day.”

“Sorry about… (the expensive, now broken, item you loaned me)… my husband is a terrible klutz.” 

Spouses are also available for blame when the remote is missing, the car is out of fuel, the dog messes in the house and countless other annoyances.

(Mowgli would like to point out this is actually a great reason to have kids as well…)

 

3. Because nothing teaches diplomacy more so than a long marriage.

Mowgli and I have argued over US Israeli relations for 25 years.

Twenty Five Years, without ever contemplating divorce.    

…Terrorism, sanctions and assassination sure, but never divorce.

 

4. For counsel. You don’t have to make difficult judgments on your own anymore.

As a matter of fact, now that you have a partner to disagree with you, few decisions if any are likely to be made ever again…

 

1jjhar

 

Mowgli, as you read this, know that I love you.

And thank you for still loving me.

 

 

 

How to get your wife to rotate your tires

it's not unpaid child labor, it's a coveted maintenance internship.
it’s not unpaid child labor, it’s a coveted maintenance internship.

 

Mowgli wanted to rotate our tires and I did not.

It’s not the first time we’ve disagreed. It won’t be the last. That’s marriage. It wouldn’t even have been an issue if not for the fact that, a couple weeks ago, we decided to sell the car.

Causing Mowgli to really want to rotate our tires

And me to really not.

For what it’s worth, I stood on solid ground. Tire rotation is preventative maintenance and the car was for sale. SALE. Not to be ours any longer. I could hardly be bothered to put fuel in the thing let alone concern myself with uneven tire wear.

But Mowgli wouldn’t let it go and thus forced me to employ diversionary tactics. I packed our precious free time with activities so that there wasn’t any room for superfluous auto care.

Because I love him.

Then, finally, we had a prospective buyer and I thought the whole episode could be put behind us.

I was wrong.

Once again Mowgli brought up the damn tires and now, with time no longer on his side, he needed my help.  

“No. Hell no.” I told him. “Not for a million dollars, not for a billion. Not even for love. Why? Because it doesn’t need to be done.

“I thought you’d say that.” He replied and then my husband, the love of my life, said the ugliest thing I’ve heard come out of his beautiful mouth ever.  

“Alright,” he told me, “I will just do it tonight…after dinner…”

After dinner. *GASP* After Dinner! *GASP AGAIN!*

Can you believe the impudence? After dinner is together time, family time, us time. It is for relaxing in each other’s company only. Cell phones are off, cocktails poured, and conversation engaged in. We might play a game but “after dinner” is always labor free.

And Mowgli knows this. Suggesting he work “after dinner” was akin to suggesting he hit a strip club, booze up with the boys, gamble away our savings then fall asleep on the couch in the middle of a video game marathon.

In other words, my husband had just told me that my refusal to help sparked in him a Cro-magnon fire that would burn all night.

I didn’t go down easy. I’ll tell you that much. I stewed hard for a good thirty minutes.

Then I rotated the tires.

Or, more accurately, I talked our sons into rotating the tires.

I still had to supervise (they’re just boys) and that’s almost more work than doing it yourself sometimes.

So I’m still mad.

And just because the car rides smoother and the guy bought it on the spot, doesn’t make me wrong.   

Nope.

 

 

 

Shower Wars

 

A few years ago Mowgli and I had a new hot water system installed that supplies a crazy efficient, near continuous flow of hot water to our house. In fact the only time our water goes tepid is if there is massive demand like a pipe breaks or two bathtubs are filled simultaneously. As long as we remain conscious of who’s doing what in our modestly sized home, there is wicked hot H2O for everyone.

Which is why, when the water cooled minutes into my shower the other day, I did what any other normal person would do. I turned up the heat. 5 seconds later, I turned it up again. 4 seconds later…

That’s when it occurred to me: Mowgli and I were showering together and not in the good way.

If you cut out of our house the area that includes Mowgli’s office and bathroom, my “office” (a cubicle off the kitchen) and bathroom, and the hallways between the two, it would measure maybe 400 square feet.

400 sq ft. Is it really possible for two humans living so close together to have no idea what each other are doing??!

Apparently.shower

So, instead of turning off my faucet and allowing my hard working husband all the hot water he deserved, I cranked the tap to its stop and showered like I was in boot camp.

Minutes later I opened my bathroom door and found Mowgli rushing down the stairs. Before I could complain that because of the water war I was stuck with enough deep oil conditioner in my hair to light Rome on fire he says,

“Something is wrong with the hot water. Can you wait to shower so I can fix it for you?”

Oh that’s right; my husband is a much better person than I.

It’s why I married him.

I remember.

“Yes darling.” I replied. “I can wait.”