Category Archives: New Years

Total Honesty 2018

 

My son (who is a genius btw) has come up with a genius way to insult almost anyone. He calls it: Total Honesty.

“I’m having a total honesty day,” he’ll say and instantly your heart warms. ‘He’s going to share a bit of himself with me,’ you think, ‘how lovely.’

Then he hits you with, “So I have to tell you…” and follows it with whatever abuse is currently rolling around in his head. “This food smells disgusting.” “Those pants make your butt look big.” “That is the ugliest chair I have ever seen.”

Clever, eh? He is a genius. Did I mention that?

As we roll into 2018 I find myself wondering, maybe he’s onto something.

2017 was kind of a wild ride. Look back. How many time did this phrase leave your lips:

Did that just really happen?

More than twice, I’d wager. In fact I think it would be fair to call 2017 the year of incredulity. I think it would also be fair to say we’re tired of wild astonishment. So why not honesty?

2018, the year of total honesty.

Has a nice ring to it, yes?

Let’s get this party started. Following, in no particular order, are 5 totally honest 2018 talking points I am compelled to share:

  1. Social media is a giant time sucker. Admit it, it’s a life drain, except for those 5 minutes a month when it is hilarious, terrifying or inspiring. And that is why we stay. For those 5 minutes. For those who can’t do math that’s 43,200 (minus 5) minutes of your life potentially sucked away every month as you stare at a screen waiting for something amazing.
  2. Most commercial aircraft have more than one entry/exit door. The usual number is 4. The next time you are trapped in row 32 waiting for a gaggle of passenger and their oversized carry on’s to de plane, turn around and note the door behind you. (PS Hat’s off the all the airlines that 1. Know about these doors and 2. Allow passengers to use them)
  3. Chances are, you don’t actually “know what you are doing.” Nope. I don’t care if what you are “doing” has been done for a hundred years. One day, future peoples will look back at it and say “well that was weird”. (remember leaching? ) But chin up, no one knows what they are doing, not even the ones who seem like they really do. We’re all just making it up as we go. Anyone who thinks they “know” is probably only following someone else’s made up “do”. Better to be original.
  4. In your sphere of peers, only 1/16 understand math or knows geography. History? Forget about it. But instead of being distraught by my made up statistic, let it make you stronger. Memorize the countries of south America, learn how to count back change, find out who is prime minister of Germany – you will be a god.
  5. 2017 was not in fact the WORST year EVER. (Neither were 2016, 2015…) It also wasn’t the BEST year EVER. It very well could have been a good year, a bad year, or a year leaving you feeling luke warm, but it was not, and will never be, superlative worthy. Honestly, is anything?

 

OK, it’s your turn now. Hit me with the truth. It’s Ok, I can hack it. I’ve been in training.

Happy New Year
Happy New Year

 

The fall guy

 

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Saying goodbye with tiny chocolate cups

You can relax now, it’s over. As the world breathes a collective sigh of relief 2016 exits the stage forever with a sticky note slapped to its back:

2016: Worst year ever

Worst, really? Worse than 1347 (bubonic plague), 1918 (war, influenza epidemic), 1943 (war, holocaust)?

2016 may have been challenging but come on. It wasn’t that bad. In fact on a lot of fronts 2016 was a pretty likable year.

How likable you ask?

Well let me fill my glass half full and count you the ways…

In 2016:

Pandas, manatees, humpback whales and green sea turtles were all taken off the endangered species list.

Tiger numbers rose for the first time in forever.

The Colombian government and FARC signed a peace agreement.

Scientists (doing the best Harry Potter impersonation EVER) turned CO2 into STONE.

And don’t forget, Elon Musk exists.

But that’s not all…

Child mortality rates fell again.

We now have treatments for and are closer than ever to finding cures to HIV, Alzheimer’s, and Ebola.

And Coffee, now shown to effectively fight cancer and suicide, was finally awarded a place in the “Good Foods Wronged” club.

(On the red carpet that night: Red wine with her charming date Steak followed by the Egg, looking fabulous in a flowing gown of polyunsaturated fat).

Wait, it gets better…

The Cleveland Browns WON a game!

Nimo found Dory who found her parents and they all lived happily ever after!

(oops. Spoiler alert)

Leicester city won the EPL!

Leo Decaprio won an Oscar!

(Yeah I googled those last too. Just wanted to sound well rounded)

 

Still not happy? Then clearly last year you missed…

EVERY SINGLE JOE BIDEN MEME. (Not kidding. I don’t care who you are, those are funny) 

Nothing?

Maybe it’s the simple things. Maybe you didn’t catch your son washing his feet in the bidet and ergo missed the privileged of experiencing this conversation…

Me: You know that’s not actually for feet… (explains..)

Son: Huh. A butt washer? That’s weird.

Me: Actually we don’t call it that. We use the French word, bidet. It doesn’t sound as gross as “butt washer”

Son: (unconvinced): Yeah right. Unless you’re French.

Now if that didn’t bring a smile to your face, remember this:

2017 is going to be AWESOME.

For a while anyway.

Happy New Year!

 

Lunar Monkey

 

I’m probably repeating myself but I love Lunar New Year. Besides reigning logical sense over a calendar that is only accurate if you add a day every once in a while, it’s chock full of the best superstitions ever invented.

For starters, cleaning on Lunar New Years Day is considered such bad luck it’s practically forbidden. Sweep today and you are symbolically brushing good luck right out your front door. Put down that broom you nut!

In fact, better not get too involved in any chores today. The universe is taking a cosmic recording to be replayed for the rest of your year.

Choose your actions wisely for they will come back tenfold.

This is my laundry room right now.

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No matter how many times “but Mom I have no socks” is spoken today, this is how it will remain. Learn from me.

On that same vein, it’s also not a good idea to taint the year with hateful speech. No matter how badly you feel it. I know, it’s Monday making this tradition a challenge but I have faith in you. Just repeat after me:

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If that doesn’t work, remember that sweet eating is encouraged today. If “chocolate covered everything” wasn’t the first phrase you uttered this morning, you’re doing this wrong.

Finally, my favorite part of Lunar New Year is its fear of knives. Sharp objects cut off fortune and so today are to be shunned.  

You know what is very nearly impossible to do without a good sharp knife? Cook. Well darn.

(You’re starting to see why I love this holiday now aren’t you?)   

On this day shut down the kitchen. Eat every meal out!

It’s not extravagance, it’s good karma.

Kung Hei Fat Choi!

 

 

 

Four things I’m giving up for 2015

2015

Happy New Year!

Now that 2015 is underway (no going back now) it’s time we shake off the remnants of 2014 that just won’t do.

It’s time to get personal and be selfish. Think it over and kick out anything and everything that isn’t serving you any longer.

And to start us off…

Here’s a list of everything I find, oh so last year…

 

Kale. Let’s face facts, Kale tastes like dirt and I gave that up in kindergarten. Yes it is nutrient dense but know what? So was Soylent Green.

Ain’t nobody eating that anymore.

 

Another tan-less winter. Tried it, hated it. I’m not talking about extreme tanning, mind you. Nobody should spend December reminding everyone of their favorite leather chair, but vampire chic isn’t a good look either. Some color please. Remember, no white after Labor Day.

Bring on the carcinogens!

 

Haters. We are all individuals, get over it. Oh don’t look so smug. Everyone does it, even me. And to set an example for the world, I will no longer refer to my yoga instructor as an “Ultra Bendy Freak.” And, as hard as it may be, I’ll stop calling that woman with the perfectly behaved children a “closet sociopath”.

All you need is love.

 

Conventional medicine. Admittedly, they are coming around (eggs, fats, wine, acupuncture – welcome back the party!) for me though, their gestures have fallen flat. I feel like a woman whose lover hands her flowers in the middle of a breakup. It’s a little late buddy.

2015 is my year of meditation, yoga, herbal teas and energy healing…I might even see a witch doctor. It’s all on the table.   

(Unless of course I get a wicked cold, in which case – unleash the NyQuil!)

 

Your turn! What about you World? What are you casting off this year?

Remember, dream big, be big. 

 

 

 

 

 

Progress?

 

Meanwhile, in 2014…rosie

My phone knows more, does more, and brings more joy than any other inanimate item I’ve ever owned. It is my personal assistant and entertainment center rolled into a slim purple package I can take anywhere. I haven’t felt this much technological bliss since the nineties and that took the combined efforts of a radio alarm clock, an electronic crossword puzzle, and a self-cleaning oven.

Should we be surprised?

Probably not. At home, cyberspace is king. The last ‘fight’ I broke up between the kids happened virtually. They sat less than 2 feet apart yet no actual physical contact occurred. No blood, bruises or broken windows… wish I could say the same for their on-line lives. Sadly, the virtual emergency response team arrived to late…

Emergencies have changed too. Not long ago ‘going viral’ was the predecessor to CDC invasion and quarantine. Now it’s the golden road to fame and fortune. Did not see that coming.

Ready to take your call...
Ready to take your call…

What I did see, however, was the boom of the video call. Feared, I should say because now the spontaneous “come-as-you-are” party is a threat I must contend with hourly.

Could ‘selfies’ be the new means of preparedness?

 

Sure, why not? Consider that drinking wine from a box once made you a hobo but in 2014 it makes you a neo-eco-friend actively reducing her carbon foot print.

Now that’s progress.

Cheers!

 

Lesser Knows Quotes from 2013.

2013 quotes you may have missed…

 

On the truth.

When asked if they used drugs:

Lance Armstrong  said…

“Yes.”

Mayor Rob Ford said…

“Probably in one of my drunken stupors, probably approximately about a year ago.”

(Oh Rob…)

 

On the truth?

After denying the NSA collected data on everyone the Director of National Intelligence said…

“I responded in what I thought was the most truthful, or least untruthful manner, by saying no.”

(least untruthful? Well at least it wasn’t a lie.)

 

On Religion.

After learning of His Holiness’s auto choice the Car Talk guys said…

“The Pope buys a 1984 Renault…Now, there’s a man who believes in the power of prayer”

(Yes boys, I believe he does)

 

On the arts:

Singing “Space Oddity” while in space Astronaut Chris Hadfield said…

“Planet Earth is blue and there’s nothing I can do.”

(Doing David Bowie in SPACE. How long have we waited for that?)

 

On progress.

When asked about the aviation industry Mowgli said…

“Anything is possible when you don’t know what you’re doing.”

(Should have been an outlaw. Or a pirate…yeah a pirate…)

 

On food.

Kitchen help from Captain Kirk. William Shatner said…

“Just remember you need bicarbonate of soda when baking with chocolate or bananas”

(Someone call the Food Network. We’ve found their next star.)

 

On the new year.

Wise counsel from wierd sources. A random guy on twitter said…

“Some years are about questions, other about answers. 2013-2014”

(Sure hope he’s right.)

Well 2013…

Farewell 2013. Thanks for the memories.
Farewell and thanks for the memories.

 

Have a very New Year everyone!

 

Restart

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Thank God for the Chinese. Between Christmas and Western New Year, December passes like a tornado. We’re dropped into January exhausted and blissfully unaware of the damage. A few weeks later, Blue Monday arrives. North America gets slapped in the face with reality. First, they are broke. Holiday spending has driven them to the poor house. Second, they are losers. Despite dreaming large, they’ve already blown every new year’s resolution they dared to make.  

Then, just when all the penniless rabble thought they were doomed to another year of the same old same old, Eastern sensibility saves the day (365 of them). It’s Chinese new year! A New new year! A restart.

Do something new this week (that doesn’t require bank financing). Make a promise to yourself (that you know you will keep). Be with the people you love (and tell them you love them).

It’s probably silly, but I like to think that whatever you do on the start of Chinese New Year is not far from what you’ll be doing the rest of the year. Me, I went to a park with my family then watched the sun set together in a place we’ve never been to before. Maybe it won’t be like that all year, maybe it will. Nothing is better than for a moment to imagine it will be.

Gong Hay Fat Choy everybody!

 

Wraping it up

 

Like the Chinese, I celebrate new years with the first new moon. I’ve probably mentioned it before. I am sure I will mention it again. Don’t get me wrong, I will still party on the 31st and drink champagne and watch the clock and kiss Mowgli like it’s the last time, but I do that three or four times a week anyway. Tonight is nothing special.

The rigidity of an arbitrary calendar date doesn’t give me a warm a fuzzy. Though I’m sure the Romans had their reasons, the lack of imagination bores me into a coma. I need adventure.

Also, as a Cancer, I am a lunar child. Not celebrating the moon’s movement is an automatic Cancer out. I’ll be demoted to Leo or Virgo in a heartbeat. No offense to my Leo and Virgo friends. Consider yourselves blessed. It takes a special kind of dysfunction to be a Cancer. Squirrel!

But probably the most significant reason I cling to the lunar new year is that I’m never ready for the western one. Every year it falls off my radar. I know the last day of December is coming but it’s so buried and blurred by all the other winter holidays I don’t think about it. Then, when it arrives, it’s like discovering a skydiving hippo with a bad parachute ten feet over head. There is shock followed by a mad scramble then unavoidably ending in a monster headache.

Therefore, as far as this girl is concerned, real New Years, the one logially under the benign dictatorship of astral bodies, is still several weeks away. Phew

However, for all you crazy December 31st celebrators:

With happy thoughts for a healthy and prosperous 2013 to everyone.

Happy New Year!

Love and Peace.

 

and just in case you missed them…

 

Top blog post for 2012 according to WordPress: Emoticons for real people

But, because I’m a crazy Cancer with little faith in numbers…

Top blog post for 2012 according to me: The Help

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

New Years Resolve

Do you make New Years resolutions? I don’t, not anymore. I honestly cannot remember the last time I did. Middle school? High school? Ironically I’m certain it was well before I turned 21 – the commencement age of what would become an error filled life ripe for change pledging.

At some point I realized pinning self improvement to start on the first day of January instead of, gee maybe the first day you realize you need to improve, is the stuff failure is made of. Confucius said “the journey of 1000 miles begins with one step”. So you’ve decided to embark on a new path, why are you sitting around waiting for New Years to get going? Lift a foot and take a freaking step!

However, I’ve also discovered it’s impossible to completely ignore this tradition. Each New Year I’m drawn to musing on what I might modify in myself. If, that is, I was the type inclined to make annual oaths of change. Which I’m not.

So following is a list of what I would resolve, if I would resolve. To make it interesting (and perhaps shed further light on why I’m not an ardent resolver) I’ve followed each resolution with a guesstimation on the likelihood I would succeed.

Drum roll please…

 

This year I (would) resolve to:

 

1. Stop plucking gray hairs out of my head. Chance of success – 100%

(That’s not hubris. I know I’ll stick to this because this is also the year I also resolve to begin dying my hair)

2. Drink more water. Chance of success – 82%

(The high numbers attributed to the fact that gin ordered “on the rocks” counts.)

3. Yell at my children less. Chance of success – 59%

(Not a lot of confidence in this one but thankfully “less” is a fairly vague term and I own a brilliant set of ear plugs.)

4. Yoga five days a week. Chance of success – 41%

(And the numbers drop further. See why I don’t like resolutions? The problem with this one is it conflicts directly with items 2 and 3. To get solitary time for yoga not only must I first do lots and lots of yelling I must also drink close to NO gin. But I can still hope.)

5. Blog weekly on the positive, hopeful, spiritual and faithful. Chance of success – 100%

For the ‘blog weekly’ part anyway. The other half? Ha! Hi, I’m Jolie, have we met?

 

 

Happy New Years Everyone. May all you wish for come to you 1000 times over.