*Caution. If this photo offends you, it is not advisable to read this post.*
“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me…”
Unless those words are man, girl, wife, husband, a color or religious holiday, the phrase “brown bag it”, PB&J sandwiches, a compliment…
Welcome to the new world. Today you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone offended by something (hypothetically swung dead cats, for example). It’s almost as if we are manufacturing reasons to be offended.
People, this isn’t healthy.
(Feeling heated? You might want to stop reading now)
But what is the fix for such an affliction? The obvious answer – focusing on truly offensive behavior like murder, starvation, genocide – is, apparently, not only not obvious but not effective. So, what are we to do?
What if this disease is like the flu? What if, like the flu, things must get worse before they get better? The offended fever hasn’t broken because it hasn’t reach max temp yet.
I hope so, because if that is the case I can help.
I happened to live in a state abundant in offenses! Offenses I bet most of you have never heard of! Offenses that will make your blood boil.
(Palms sweaty, heart racing? You should stop reading now)
And so, in the interest of world peace and harmony, I am here today to stir the pot. Following are 5 truly offensive things happening every year right here in Alaska:
#1 The Fur Rendezvous festival
Ever February Alaskans come together and celebrate – that’s right – Fur. For a solid week, there are dead animal skins EVERYWHERE.
#2 The Miners and Trappers Ball.
If you are of the offended class, you would probably rename this party the “earth rapist and animal hater extravaganza”. Champagne anyone?
#3 Outhouse races
A race where teams see who can push a toilet the fastest. Elaborately decorate latrines racing down main street, what’s not to love? But you can’t be completely offended by this. After all, outhouses are unisex.
#4 The Iditarod
Dogs pulling humans on sleds. (Honestly if you find this offensive, you’ve never met a sled dog before. However, since our goal here is not understanding but instead unleashed ire, let’s forget about the motivations of a sled dog for now). This is dog slavery. Maybe the dog would rather watch movies in pajamas? How do you know?
#5 The Wilderness Woman Contest
I know, right away you are wondering what could possible be offensive about women exhibiting their outdoor prowess? Let me help. Besides hauling wood, catching fish and climbing trees, one of the skills the women are occasionally required to perform is –
“making a sandwich and opening a beverage for a reclining bachelor watching Sunday-afternoon football on a simulated TV” (“wilderness woman contest” Wikipedia)
(Don’t tell any feminists but I have a secret wish to enter this contest.)
Are you mad yet?
I told you to stop reading.
Congratulations, you have the one tool required to survive the apocalypse – a sense of humor.
I’ll see you on the other side.